where i am now

It's a cool, breezy night on my gray deck in the Bronx. The enormous moon glows bright. She brings me great comfort as I lay on a soft thick comforter, pillows beneath me, as I prepare for the unknown. Rubbing chilled feet under my blanket reminds me that this season is coming to an end, foretells of the cool vigorous Fall which will usher profound change into my life. Surrounded by Roberto Santiago's Boricuas, a now silent iphone & house phone, my treasured Buddhist spiral-print bag full of journal, markers and pens and rubbing on alcohol to sooth the few mosquito bites I have incurred while editing my bio to send to future hosts. What I think will happen doesn't matter. Tonight I am putting in the time to feel the way I want to feel, which is that I'm getting things done. By reading what I need to know, I am becoming more of who I am. By writing about yesterday I cleanse, bringing clarity to this moment. Fully present. Fully committed. 

There are quite a few people who've stood close, graciously held my hand when I've faltered; helped me center myself with reassurance and reminders of who I am, of what I could become. Some stood by, watched me die like an insect under a magnifying glass. To both I give my profound gratitude. I'm stronger because you were there. 

There is so much work to do. That I enjoy it doesn't make it any easier. For me, it begins with the constant absorption of the experiences, art, music and truths that I take in to become part of this person I am creating. Above all else, renewal of my faith that God is more than a mysterious man in the sky who judges my every move, but an active encouraging participant in my journey. "Let your will be done", I pray. Hoping for my actions and God's will, my destiny, my purpose, Our plan to unfold with every word I read, which then inspires me to write and live with wisdom, compassion, honesty, integrity and honor. My every kindness inspiring another's. Each discipline I exhibit successfully strengthening my will to become closer to my ideal self.  

Tonight is one of those nights, like the many before and the many to come in which the tapestry becomes more beautiful. You'll read my story in those colors, in every stitch that heals the wounds that experience dealt, in every detail that makes me a better person. It's a blessing to be able to process what we feel and progress. I do this for you. For our children. I do this for those who want to know who we are and why. For those who want to join in the creation of who we will be. The peace of my surroundings, this refreshing breeze washing over me makes me feel like it won't be that hard after all. 

All my love, 

Jani 

p.s. Here comes the rain. xoxo ~ Summer 2011 ~