moth bitten apples and friends

i feel so small

in the hot lamp light of the scrutiny from those

who nestled their chests up against my back

to feed off of the warmth 

that they thought was my life

you dont know me

stranger who lied in the face of my certainty

who balked in the face of my bald open faced adoration

angered by the revelation, a lack of perfection i never claimed

disappointed by my humanity you discarded me 

while i forgave you for being real

but i looked inside...past the refuse into the core

and saw lovely, fragile, broken...

i feel so small 

after having given smiles sutured from the wooly sinews 

that held my miserable heart together 

rose up out of the mouths of the moths floating around in my belly

shaken with fear of not being good enough

for you

my arms, bags of blood, 

wrapped around you pumping i love yous

because i know they heal

and you really really need it

and genuine emotion poured into little plastic cups 

doled out dutifully to those who know that they don’t really 

give two fucks or shits

and i gave 3 or 4 

like vitamins for your sallow soul, 

for a little bit, for a little while, just a little hit

but they don’t matter now

swallowed and gone

flushed like yesterday's digested morsels

you'd rather be rid of me now that i no longer serve 

the purpose that i was intended to

bitter i can be biting into the apples handed to me

worm bitten moldy full of animosity

you ask me to share it with others

i am done - making excuses

trying to dig my way out from under the ugly truth

that 

you dont 

see me

didnt really

know me

no matter how much you think you understood

you saw only what your selfish mask allowed

as you walk through life with that filter cutting off the corners of your vision

please try to comprehend

remember...

i was genuine

and now that the love is gone and your

friendship is no more an than an illusion

sitting here remembering makes me feel so small