why do i feel this way?

the air is stagnant in the eye of the storm

i'm there again. this neverending dizzying cycle of life has me twisted into yet another repetitive dysfunctional exhausting place. feeling like too many things are happening and nothings changed and this day and the other day and the next day are blurring together and i feel the sick inside waiting for the water, waiting for the pain to cease or begin at this point there is nothing. i need something. something to take me in and turn me about and make me rise and laugh and high and higher my hair wants to fly and my eyes want to sparkle. my stomach is drowning in morose twitches, my back tired of the bricks that are crushing the air. my lungs, my legs are soft my teeth aching. time is passing. new time is the same as old time. i was told it would be happy. hot stale breath blows into the cavern in my chest reminding, teasing memories. promises. the hope. how many times have i waited? big challenges, small victories. hold on. breathe them in. stop. unwrap the wound. let them heal. they're still moist. and decaying. give them sunlight. let them dry. fear is your friend. let it burn where you grow. jump off the precipice. lick the toads back and see the colors of you. there's no other choice but to do what it is that must be done or the saturated hues you seek will never penetrate your vision. will never focus. finish one thing move on to the next. why does this dizzy? why is this so hard? when did one thing become five and five gave birth to five and now the things i have to do have great grandchildren. i want to sleep, but i never do. i want to eat, but it wont fill the void. i want to connect. feel love. grab on. hold tight. climb the mountain. yell. scream. fight. kick and be the best me that i can. be but i wont let me. there's a gag. there's a noose. there's a blindfold. be good. be smart. behave. be sane. take. give. step by step. little by little. foot in the crack. fingers in the nook. up and over. i'll be able to see passed the mess. past the clutter. once i'm up there i can be 

it will be new

it will be mine

i will be

and i just want to be who is me

~jani rosado